My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This baby is an asshole
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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