I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
