What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
