i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
a search helicopter?!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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