Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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