I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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