that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
