My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
