I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
