TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
