Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
