I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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