I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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