is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
