Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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