What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
