I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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