i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
