Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
