If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
