If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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