I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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