Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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