Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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