Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
