and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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