remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
