Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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