He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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