so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My cat gives me a boner
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
