I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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