i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
