tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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