ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
