If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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