If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
