i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
