I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
