I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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