You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
