His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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