we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
