your parents love me but you hate me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
