My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
