i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
