If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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