its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
