I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
