Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
