i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
