So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
