god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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