the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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