you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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